The Do-Over Life: How I Got Over FOSO

On December 27, 2019 I found myself starting over ... again. In an instant, my carefully curated life tumbled like so many Jenga blocks and my eight-year relationship ended. 

And yet, even in the initial days as the waves of shock, humiliation and sadness rolled over me, I felt a glimmer that the Universe knew what it was doing even if I did not. I read somewhere that when a relationship ends abruptly "God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves." Deep-down something told me this breakup was for the best even though I was not bold enough to have initiated it. 

The truth was this: For years I'd ignored the problems. My partner had many fine qualities (top of the list was the kindness he showed my son), and yet, we weren't evenly aligned. By that I mean there were many aspects of our personalities that didn't fit together. And yet, I stayed in this relationship. Why? 

Well, first and foremost, my son loved this man and looked up to him. There were plenty of times when my son liked him better than he liked me. (I was Bad Cop.) It's hard to disappoint a kid who'd already lost one father. But there was a bigger, more selfish reason: I liked the idea of having companionship, of sharing my home and my life with someone, and (harder to admit) I experienced fear of starting over, or FOSO. 

I doubt I would have ended our relationship if the Universe hadn't stepped in and sent me a text meant for my ex's OTHER girlfriend. (Ouch!) Even then, starting over was rough. 

Thankfully, I have a spiritual practice. I jumpstarted my journaling, meditation, and mindfulness practices and re-engaged my therapist. I took up strength training as a physical outlet. I also enrolled in the spiritual direction course that I had postponed for various reasons. And I reconnected with my network of friends. 

While the pandemic made starting over a challenge, I made a conscious effort to remain curious about what might happen next. And on nights when I felt lost and lonesome, I focused on gratitude to combat resentment and self-pity.

Within a few months, my life was remarkably happier and lighter. My son, although saddened and disappointed by the turn of events, showed a maturity, grace and resiliency that far surpassed his 18 years on the planet. Indeed, my world did not end when my ex moved out. In fact, it opened up to possibilities that surpassed my wildest, idealistic daydreams. 

FOSO no mo'!

A year later —almost to the day — I found myself falling in love with a remarkable man who shares my upbringing, principles, ambition, and positive outlook on life. This would not have been possible if I had not let go of my bitterness and leaned into that early glimmer of hope. There was really nothing to fear. In fact, surrendering to this abrupt do-over gave me the confidence to live in greater alignment with what is truest and best in myself.  

And the Do-Over wasn't over ...

Last week, I resigned my full-time job and jumped back into freelancing. Yes, at age 58, I'm in embracing a Big Do-Over in both career and love and I'm happy to report that taking a leap of faith is life affirming. The good news is that at my (e-hem!) age, I've lived through enough disruptions to know that change yields tremendous opportunity for growth and learning. 

Today, I'm grateful, so very grateful, that the Universe pulled the rug out from under me. And I'm grateful that I didn't immediately try to plant my feet firmly on the ground. "The only time we ever know what's really going on is when the rug's been pulled out and we can't find anywhere to land," Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron writes in her book When Things Fall Apart. "We use these situations either to wake ourselves up or to put ourselves to sleep." This opportunity to reside in "groundlessness", as Chodron calls it is the place where personal growth occurs. 

Humans by our nature want the sure thing. We want people, jobs, cars, electronics and economies that we can rely upon. And we are often disappointed. People are unreliable. Employers are fickle. Cars need repairs. Electronics quit without warning. Economies rise and fall. Nothing is permanent or fixed. As much as we try to deny it, loss is part of life. And when loss occurs we have a choice to start over or become stuck.

Perhaps the way to get unstuck is to not look life as having a start or a finish. Starting over connotes that there was a definitive end. There are never really "endings" —there are only next chapters. 

Today, I'm optimistic about what the future holds. I'm no longer complacent about any aspect of my life. I've also learned an important lesson: There's no such thing as stability when you're standing on a rug! Maybe if I remain groundless in what is truest and best in myself, no floor coverings will be yanked out from under me ever again.

#dooverlife, #fearofstartingover, #FOSO